i have been thinking about how 2 years ago, most of the songs i am performing these days were not yet written, i was really nervous about performing, and really, the whole thing was only an idea whose fullest expression was me playing my songs at home. oh, and the blessing tree didnt exist.
now, i am in the middle of my second big tour, have sold hundreds of cds, performed for hundreds and hundreds of people, love performing more than almost anything, and can honestly say that my whole life has made a fabulous and interesting change.
it's really quite humbling to look at the events as they have happened, and see how profound the changes have been and how much progress has occurred. and the whole thing is something that i could never have MADE happen. i mean, for abotu 10 years i tried to make bands happen. i tried and tried - put up flyers, played with people, but it never worked when i tried to make it happen.
for years i had been working and working, pushing and pushing, to get over what felt like great nervousness about performing. i loved writing music, but it was never very fun to perform it. i felt self conscious. it was hard to get the notes right, let along to be expressive on stage.
in these last 2 years of continued prayer, hope, desire, and willingness to grow and change - every last fear of performing has fallen away. now, in some ways, i feel more comfortable on stage than otherwise. i love to open my mouth and communicate about things that i believe in. no more do i perform trying to "put on a show". instead of putting on a mask to perform, i am opening the doors of my heart, saying, singing what i think and feel most. it is a great feeling of freedom.
creative breakthroughs are an incredible blessing. and it always is a matter of throwing off self, and telling the truth. and while it has been happening quickly and powerfully in the last couple of years with this music, i am sure that the many many years of pushing and pushing were indispensible in moving that old stone.
sometimes nowadays i tell folks that i used to be afraid of performing and they are shocked. i used to be really shy too! if these things are any precedent (which they are) we all have the logical right to look forward to a time when every fear, limitation, and constraint is gone. then we will live, communicate, love, sing, work, and think with total freedom.